Lately my bad days have increased. Maybe when my mom told me my attitude makes a huge difference, and if Im unhappy I can just think positively everything will be alright- IS a bunch of complete bull shit. I got my official schedule today, which was after I ate French toast on a golf course. My 17.5 hours of courses consist of Physics Chemistry Calculus Earth Systems and fucking P.E.
Thats it. I dont mind endless hours trying to study something that just does NOT make any sense to me, but fucking P.E. NO ONE can make me run unless I want to. High School, I didnt even have to put up with that shit. Its not that I dont care to stretch the pegs, my advanced motor skills which I learned at least 16 years ago, have been successfully put to use, I do not need a probably humorous elderly man telling me to run around 6 times in order to make a mile, and do it under 10 minutes. WHATS THE FUCKIN POINT? None. Its like people constantly asking; whats your major, like it matters to them.
In this seminar earlier, the president of Mines, (I got a hard hat today, yeah, thatll be put to good use, when Im fucking running around the track with a bunch of angry and completely not athletic boys) he says; If youre not sure you want to be here, you should leave. What? Are you serious, youre a fucking dumbass, with your stupid comments about competition and individualism and how smart this years class is I do not want to be here. But Im not usually the type to leave. I stick around.
I made this rash and not thought out decision a couple months ago. Im paying for it now.
I was dragged to the WORST AND GAYEST art festival EVER. Probably. (there Were a bunch of super cute dogs which was cool) I was planning on taking some really awesome photos. I was stoked, lots of weird Colorado people, the preppy ones and the hippies. YAY. Fuck. I lost every little tidbit of care when I saw the crowd, heard the music. If that little river, was actually a big one, I would have sacrificed myself and my camera, and a lot of cash. Too Bad. IT sucked.
I was hungry and I didnt feel like eating on a football field in small circles of freshmen with gross pizza and watermelon, so I made the tough decision to walk an entire mile uphill and downhill to this Chinese restaurant which turned out to be a complete fucking mistake. I came in and stood there, yeah they noticed me, Pick up order? No he looked at me inquisitively and for a few defiant seconds I tried to force him to realize the sad but factual aloneness of my situation. He did, perhaps a culture thing? No. I sat down; the woman threw the teapot at the table, along with a menu and some really cold eyes. So? I have a book, its better than real people, you should try it. But I knew that I felt the same way as her (minus her yelling at the top of her lungs the order to the kitchen, while still in the dining room, so the entire restaurant could hear what the others got), I read some short stories about lonely men, in Egypt looking for a good lay. It really was entertaining me and I was having a decent time, until I looked up. There it was. The Empty booth staring back at me. I sat down initially trying to avoid the other diners, facing the wall, but I soon realized that it was a mistake, because now I was completely alone. The little nails evenly spaced, putting little pillows into the red leather, I wish someone was sitting with me, even though I rarely speak in dining situations, I wish there was someone no hide that awful red leather seat. Someone I could look at while awkwardly sucking on the straw, someone I could make disgusted faces at while he makes an accordion with a couple swift movements of his lower jaw. The rest of the meal was downhill. No, it wasnt a meal, it was a confirmation. A confirmation of solitude, the kind of solitude only madmen embrace, and cant escape from.
A transfer is needed, (preferably to a place where people embrace creativity and shun math) no but really. I just cant take this, my fragile and creative brain is DYING. I knew this when I saw some guys shirt that said Lamb of God, and I got excited, like singing hymns with black people in church. I need love, and to stop eating this entire bag of oreos. I miss you, the real ones. I miss them. I was mistaken about Texas, I used to hate it, and now my love, you are all that I dream of, in my sleepless nights, on the top bunk.
God, I need to write more, it makes me feel better.
Thats it. I dont mind endless hours trying to study something that just does NOT make any sense to me, but fucking P.E. NO ONE can make me run unless I want to. High School, I didnt even have to put up with that shit. Its not that I dont care to stretch the pegs, my advanced motor skills which I learned at least 16 years ago, have been successfully put to use, I do not need a probably humorous elderly man telling me to run around 6 times in order to make a mile, and do it under 10 minutes. WHATS THE FUCKIN POINT? None. Its like people constantly asking; whats your major, like it matters to them.
In this seminar earlier, the president of Mines, (I got a hard hat today, yeah, thatll be put to good use, when Im fucking running around the track with a bunch of angry and completely not athletic boys) he says; If youre not sure you want to be here, you should leave. What? Are you serious, youre a fucking dumbass, with your stupid comments about competition and individualism and how smart this years class is I do not want to be here. But Im not usually the type to leave. I stick around.
I made this rash and not thought out decision a couple months ago. Im paying for it now.
I was dragged to the WORST AND GAYEST art festival EVER. Probably. (there Were a bunch of super cute dogs which was cool) I was planning on taking some really awesome photos. I was stoked, lots of weird Colorado people, the preppy ones and the hippies. YAY. Fuck. I lost every little tidbit of care when I saw the crowd, heard the music. If that little river, was actually a big one, I would have sacrificed myself and my camera, and a lot of cash. Too Bad. IT sucked.
I was hungry and I didnt feel like eating on a football field in small circles of freshmen with gross pizza and watermelon, so I made the tough decision to walk an entire mile uphill and downhill to this Chinese restaurant which turned out to be a complete fucking mistake. I came in and stood there, yeah they noticed me, Pick up order? No he looked at me inquisitively and for a few defiant seconds I tried to force him to realize the sad but factual aloneness of my situation. He did, perhaps a culture thing? No. I sat down; the woman threw the teapot at the table, along with a menu and some really cold eyes. So? I have a book, its better than real people, you should try it. But I knew that I felt the same way as her (minus her yelling at the top of her lungs the order to the kitchen, while still in the dining room, so the entire restaurant could hear what the others got), I read some short stories about lonely men, in Egypt looking for a good lay. It really was entertaining me and I was having a decent time, until I looked up. There it was. The Empty booth staring back at me. I sat down initially trying to avoid the other diners, facing the wall, but I soon realized that it was a mistake, because now I was completely alone. The little nails evenly spaced, putting little pillows into the red leather, I wish someone was sitting with me, even though I rarely speak in dining situations, I wish there was someone no hide that awful red leather seat. Someone I could look at while awkwardly sucking on the straw, someone I could make disgusted faces at while he makes an accordion with a couple swift movements of his lower jaw. The rest of the meal was downhill. No, it wasnt a meal, it was a confirmation. A confirmation of solitude, the kind of solitude only madmen embrace, and cant escape from.
A transfer is needed, (preferably to a place where people embrace creativity and shun math) no but really. I just cant take this, my fragile and creative brain is DYING. I knew this when I saw some guys shirt that said Lamb of God, and I got excited, like singing hymns with black people in church. I need love, and to stop eating this entire bag of oreos. I miss you, the real ones. I miss them. I was mistaken about Texas, I used to hate it, and now my love, you are all that I dream of, in my sleepless nights, on the top bunk.
God, I need to write more, it makes me feel better.
posted by Alyosha at 10:52 PM
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